


If I Cut Off my Head, Will that Make my Hangover Stop?

by LasEstrellasdelPurgatorio



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Ain't no Party like a Devil Hunter Party, Alcohol, Bad Decisions, Candy, Crack, Drunkenness, F/M, Gen, Hangover, Humor, New Years, Nudity, Party, Post-Devil May Cry 4, Sugar highs, The Party got Crazy, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:02:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28495023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LasEstrellasdelPurgatorio/pseuds/LasEstrellasdelPurgatorio
Summary: New year, new regrets.
Relationships: Dante & Kyrie (Devil May Cry), Dante & Lady (Devil May Cry), Dante & Nero (Devil May Cry), Dante & Patty Lowell, Dante & Trish (Devil May Cry), Kyrie/Nero (Devil May Cry)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	If I Cut Off my Head, Will that Make my Hangover Stop?

**Author's Note:**

> Please drink responsibly and if you are not at home and you feel you are too inebriated to drive, please don't attempt to drive! Happy New Year!

“Ugghhhh…”

Amazing how one little sound can capture a mood, a life and a state of being.

Were Dante not already blessed with such a beautiful name to compliment his flawless appearance, “Ugh” would be a great second choice.

Forcing himself up off the floor, he lifts a hand to cover his eyes and grunts at the sliver of harsh light that burns his eyes, shaking his head and making glitter fall onto the ground, a “Happy New Year!” banner crinkling under his feet.

The sudden rush of standing causes him to feel a coolness caused by- Yup, he’s naked.

Trying to turn on a small lamp, he finds his efforts fruitless, and the Alighieri family’s “kick it’s ass into working” remedy surprisingly fails as well, waking Dante up to just how much things are wrong.

“Oh boy…” He mutters. “I’m gonna regret this.”

Taking a deep breath, he opens the blinds, the pounding in his head upgrading to something like Lady shooting Kalina Ann into his brain.

A collection of, “Ugh,” “Ahhh,” “Fuck,” “Ohhhh,” and “What jerk just opened the blinds?” follow the new pounding of his hangover all throughout the building which is…

Well…wow.

Whatever kind of party they had last night…

It definitely got crazy.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Taking a breath after pukin’ his guts out, Dante slumps against the toilet, groaning, feeling the relief of the cool porcelain against his bare back.

What the hell did he do last night?

Any attempts at remembering end with his head going to static and throbbing like there’s no tomorrow, so he decides to just get on with his day.

Well whatever it was, it did a number on the shop.

Devil Arms thrown everywhere, bottles of who knows what as far as the eye can see, a mountain of clothes on the floor, pool table upside down, jukebox an underwear rack, the scent of alcohol and regret flowing throughout the building.

At some point, someone turned the picture of Mother on his desk the other way.

Good choice, he knows she wouldn’t want to have seen…whatever last night was.

Stumbling his way to his room, the bed broken in half and charred with Alastor pierced into the remains, he doesn’t want to know what stains the walls.

Opening the closet he finds nothing.

Nothing but empty hangers.

“Okay,” he says to himself, “This might be a contender for the second weirdest hangover I’ve ever had.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Trish?” He mutters as he explores the building. “You in here?”

Stumbling, impaling himself a couple times on loose Devil Arms, he thinks he sees a flash of light.

Following it to the supply closet, he calls out, “Trish? You in here?”

“Yeah,” he hears under a pile of rags.

Lifting the cleaning blankets up, he sees her head at least.

“And the kitchen.” Her disembodied head says, turns his head and sees her disconnected arm wave. “And the attic.” A tumble is heard coming down the stairs, loudly, making a new wave of groaning throughout the office, ending with a pair of legs running into the room, hopping and clicking it’s heels in greeting.

“Oh.” An idea comes to mind, a smirk growing onto his face as he lifts Trish’s head with one hand. “‘Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times, and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft.’” Turning his head briefly, he mimics the sounds of weeping. “‘Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now to mock your own grinning? Quite chapfallen? Now get you to my lady’s chamber and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favor she must come. Make her laugh at that.’” He grips his hand and drops Trish’s head back onto the pile.

“Got it out of your system?” The woman asks.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “How’d you end up like this blondie?”

Humming, she thinks for a second before wincing in pain. “Wait…I think…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

_“TRISH! TRISH! TRISH!” Is chanted fervently, said blonde demon fanning the applause towards herself from where she stands on Dante’s bed._

_Lifting Alastor triumphantly in the air, the crowd going wild, she begins to hear Dante commentate, “Today! On this dawning of a new annus…”_

_“Heh.” She thinks she hears Nero chuckle. “You said…you said *hic* ‘annus.’” Collapsing into a fit of giggles, she hears him fail at whispering, “That sounds like, ‘anus!’ And anus…anus means BUTT!”_

_“Ehhh!” She hears Patty squeal, a high five sounding throughout the room._

_“And today only!” Dante continues after chuckling at the anus joke. “We are here to welcome this change with a bang!” Gesturing to Trish as she blows a kiss to the audience, Dante declares, “The Siren of Storms tests her mettle against the Blade of…of Blowing…Blustering…of B-Bad Winds.” Shaking his head, he continues, “Trish vs. The Stinging Might of Alastor! Will she prevail?! Or will this bewitching beauty be reduced to Mallet fried demon steak?!”_

_Lifting Alastor into the air like the protagonist of an 80’s cartoon hero, smirking like crazy as purple lightning begins to shoot out, her adoring crowd again begins chanting, “TRISH! TRISH! TRISH!”_

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“So Alastor overpowered you?” Dante asks Trish’s head.

“No,” she corrects. “I overpowered him. He threw a hissy fit and started shooting like crazy until I whapped him. He did destroy your bed though, sorry.”

“No problemo, I woulda broke it anyway, what with how rough the ladies like it.” He smirks, closing his eyes and rubbing his chin.

“…Dante, I’m your roommate.”

“…Shut up.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“So you really don’t remember anything from last night?” Trish’s head asks as Dante tosses the last of her limbs into a pile after a brief chase with her legs.

“Nope,” Dante confirms as he lifts Rebellion into his hands, “Judgin’ from the hangover, I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.”

“Both.”

“Alright,” Dante says as he readies his stance, “Okay Trish, pick what you wanna grow back from.”

“Or,” Trish suggests, “I grow back from _all_ of them and we use the new Trishs to screw with everyone while they’re hungover.”

Thinking it over with a hum, Dante eventually shakes his head and denies, “Tempting to get my own lightning babe entourage, but if the rent gets any higher we’re gonna hafta go without power for the next decade.”

“Or you could start buying your coats cheaper.”

“Not an option.” He glares, eyes turning red.

“Okay, okay.” Trish relents. “Well,” she thinks for a second, “I want to take a step in the new year. Clear head and all.”

“Got’cha.” Dante acknowledges as he prepares Rebellion for her head.

_Swish!_

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Stretching a bit as she adjusts her freshly grown body, Trish suddenly remembers, “Oh yeah, all the fun with Alastor knocked out the power, sorry.”

Sighing, Dante tells her, “It’s cool, but you’re explainin’ it to the kid and Morrison.”

“Deal.” Trish agrees as she forms a new outfit around her body.

“Hey,” Dante begins to ask, “Can ya make something for me? All my clothes are on the floor.”

“Sorry, only works for me.”

Sighing, Dante grabs a pizza box and a roll of duct tape.

When in Rome.

“Hey,” he suddenly thinks as he tapes himself, “How’d you get all torn up?”

“Oh,” Trish answers, “After I beat Alastor, we decided to take it to the next level and see if I could survive him as a sword.” Blinking, she answers, “I could not.”

“Oh. Okay.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

As they make their way throughout the office, they see a wiped-out Patty Lowell lying atop the clothes mountain in the office, a series of groans escaping her “dignified” mouth.

“Patty?” Dante calls out, making the girl jump which leads to a tumble off the mountain, falling into Dante’s waiting arms, an “Oof!” coming from the little miss.

“Dante?” She asks, adjusting her eyes. “What happened last night, where’s my bag- WHY ARE YOU _NAKED?!!!!!_ ” She squeals, the loudness of her voice reawakening their hangovers causing Dante to drop her as they all clamp their ears.

“Owiee…” Patty complains as she stands up and rubs her sore backside.

“Well you have my clothes.” Dante tells her.

“How’d you get drunk Patty?” Trish asks. “We may not agree with all those little ‘laws,’” Trish emphasizes with air quotes, “But we agree with the underage drinking one.”

“This,” Patty says as she catches her breath, “Is not a hangover. This,” Patty gestures to herself, “Is the comedown of a sugar rush made by sparkling juice and fun dip.”

“And my clothes?” Dante presses, hands on his hips.

“You mean, _my clothes_?” Patty sasses back.

“What d’ya mean your clothes?”

“And how much sugar did you have last night?” Trish asks curiously, an eyebrow raised.

“Well…”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

_Taking another sip, Patty woozily twirls her glass._

_“Uggh…” She moans. “Maybe I’ve had enough…”_

_Glancing at the glass for a second, she carefully places it on the coaster, like a proper young lady._

_Then chugs the whole bottle. Her fifth one, to be exact._

_Chasing it down with a pack of fun dip, she notices her box is empty._

_“Oh no!” She vibrates, jumping up and down. Running throughout the office, she passes a confident Trish egging Lady to use Alastor on her, Nero and Kyrie making out on the couch. Reaching the kitchen, she finds her target._

_“DANTE! DANTE! DANTE! DANTE! DANTE!” She buzzes around the man pouring another bottle into his mouth, circling and jumping around him._

_“Yeshh Pattycakes?” He slurs._

_Tossing empty packets of dip onto the table, she explains, “No more dip! Patty needs more! More, more, more!”_

_“Shorry shweetie,” the man apologizes, too woozy to focus on her face, “But right now Daddy’s gotta focus on his poker game.” He denies, looking at a spread of cards on the table._

_“But you’re not playing anyone!” Patty acknowledges while hopping up and down. Running around, she begins opening cabinets. “Hello?!” She says into one. “Yoohoo!” She calls out into another. “Poker buddies?!” She searches the inside of the fridge._

_“Ish that a challenge?” Dante asks with a raised eyebrow._

_“Ooooh! Game time!” She says as she runs back to the table, hopping up and down in the seat she takes. “Patty wins give money! Patty wins give money!”_

_“Heh,” Dante chuckles as he shuffles a deck, “We’ll see.”_

_…_

_“Damn…” Dante curses after his loss._

_“Candy money!” Patty demands. “Candymoneycandymoneycandymoney!”_

_“Okay Pats,” Dante admits, “I ain’t got any money.”_

_Gasping, she points a finger and labels him, “Liar! Liar liar pants on fire!”_

_“Well I was only plannin’ on playin’ strip poker t’night…”_

_“Ewwww! Patty don’t like nakey!”_

_“Okay…” Dante thinks. “I ain’t gonna flash ya…How ‘bout…How about you just go in my closet and pick somethin’ out to take home?”_

_“Dante clothes dumb!”_

_“You! You shut yer *hic* mouth! I got..I got more style in my pinky than you got in yer whole goddamn body, Pit-pat!”_

_“Patty says whatever!”_

_“Grrr…Best two outta three.”_

_…_

_After his fifty-third loss, Dante collapses onto the table while Patty puts the finishing touch on her clothes mountain._

_“PATTY RULES CLOTHESLANDIA!” She declares from the top, hopping in excitement._

_Before passing out._

_…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………._

“Surprisingly,” Patty says after finishing her account of last night’s events, “You play poker way better when you’re drunk.”

“Hmph,” Dante grunts as he crosses his arms, “Well, you better go put my clothes back up.”

“You mean, _my_ clothes?”

“You did bet them Dante.” Trish supports. “Wait…”

“Hm?” Patty hums.

“If you didn’t take his clothes,” the demon forms, “Then why is Dante naked?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Patty tells her. “That must have happened after I passed out, he was wearing clothes when I destroyed him at poker.”

“Hmmm…”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

As the trio continue their trek throughout the office, they smell blood coming from Dante’s desk.

Probably from the hand stabbed into it.

Sighing, Dante motions for Trish to pull Patty close to her while he checks it out.

Walking around, he sees slumped against his desk…

“Hey kid…” Dante greets with a smirk to the glaring Nero he just woke up. “You need a hand?” He gestures to the impaled hand of the brat on the desk.

“Like you need pants,” Nero grumbles as his eyes adjust to the light.

“Aww, is someone hungover? Here,” Dante mocks as he lifts his hand up, “How many fingers am I holdin’ up champ?”

The single finger Nero extends from the middle of his free hand proves he’s fully conscious.

“There’s our boy!”

“Fuck. You.”

“Our vulgar little boy!”

“EAT SHIT!” Nero yells, instantly regretting it as they all immediately press their hands to their aching, hungover heads. “AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH! MY HEAD FEELS LIKE I’VE BEEN TALKING TO PATTY FOR AN HOUR!”

“Hey!” Patty hisses.

“YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE BRAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! PAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!”

“Nene,” Trish calls out in agony, “Quit shouting.”

“YOU’RE NOT MY MOM, TRISH, AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! WHY AM I STILL SHOUTING??!!!!!!!”

“Nero.” Dante says as he takes Nero’s face into his hands. Giving the boy a smack on the head, making the younger hiss in pain, he orders, “Stop yelling, or you’re gonna make everyone’s hangovers worse.”

Rubbing his cranium, Nero gets halfway through nodding before wincing again and settling for a whisper of, _“Got it.”_

“Good.” Dante teases before taking his hands off. “Now, we just…” Dante says before abruptly ripping Lucifer’s rose out of Nero’s hand. Hissing in pain, Nero flaps his hand as the skin grows back.

“Wait,” Patty says, “I don’t remember you drinking anything last night, Nero.”

“Yeah,” Trish agrees. “I didn’t see you nursing anything stronger than energy drinks.”

“I didn’t,” Nero grumbles. “I got secondhand wasted kissing Kyrie.” Groaning, he adds, “Damn, that woman can drink…”

“Oh I remember that,” Trish says.

“How’d your hand get like that Nero?” Patty asks curiously.

Groaning, Nero looks away as he says, “I…don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Nero,” Dante scolds, “You need to face your problems like an adult. You’ll only make it worse if you try to forget what happened and learn nothing from it.”

Turning a dirty look back at Dante, Nero retorts, “You just want something to laugh at me for.”

“Damn right I do.” Dante agrees. “Now spill.”

“Ughhhhh…”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

_“Da…Dahte…” Nero gets out, clinging to Dante’s shirt as he slumps, “Listen t-Listen to me.” He demands as he begins lightly slapping Dante’s face._

_“Yeah?” Dante says unfazed amidst the slaps._

_“You gotta…you gotta stop. Stop. Okay?”_

_“Stop what?”_

_“Stop wastin’ money keepin’ your weapons in pawn shops! That’s where forty percent of our paychecks go, dammi-*hic*!” Gently clutching Dante’s face in his hands, he looks the older man straight in the eyes and tells him, “It’s not worth it.” Pulling Dante’s head into his chest, he strokes his employer’s back and rocks them both, singing utter nonsense like a lullaby._

_“‘Kay.” Dante mumbles into the younger’s chest. “What’s your idea?”_

_“Duh!” Nero announces opening his arms and dropping Dante to the ground. Gesturing to Devil Bringer, he declares, “I have a magic *hic* storage arm!”_

_“Oh yeah.” Dante mumbles into the floor. “Okay.” He agrees from the ground, lifting a thumbs up from where he lays._

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“You fit _all_ the Devil Arms in Devil Bringer?” Patty asks in a mix of concern and amazement.

“Then why are they all scattered through the shop?” Trish wonders.

“About that…” Nero says hesitantly as he looks to the side.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

_“Ky…Mmmph! Kyrie!” Nero breathes as he pushes his girlfriend back a bit._

_“Nero?” Kyrie asks in concern as Nero clamps a hand on his mouth. “Are you-”_

_“BLEUUUGHHH!”_

_“Eeek!”_

_And Nero’s adding a layer of puke to Dante’s desk chair. And Kyrie’s blouse._

_“Oh baby, I’m sorry…” Nero tries to say, “Here, lemme…lemme…” He says as he tries to get up but something’s keeping him down. “Wha…”_

_“Um, Nero?” Kyrie pipes up from where she’s crouched down with her hands over her head._

_“Kyrie?” He slurs. “Whas…”_

_Pointing ahead, Kyrie directs Nero to look at the mess of Devil Arms shot all around the office._

_When he puked._

_“Oh.” Nero says in dull surprise. “Okay.”_

_And with that, he passes out._

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“…Your arm puked out Dante’s Devil Arms?” Patty says in astonishment and disgust.

“You see why I didn’t want to say anything.” Nero grits out, but he’s trying to duck his head and hide his blush.

“And when we’re you gonna say somethin’ about my chair?” Dante glares as he surveys the stain on his chair.

“When you sat in it.” Nero answers. “And I laughed at you.”

That earns him Dante slapping both of his temples, making Nero sink to the ground clutching his head, Devil Bringer’s claws staining white with flecks of red.

“Is that why this was on the floor?” Trish asks.

“Ewww!” Patty complains. “Nero, why do you have a blue woman’s corpse in your arm?!”

Groaning, Nero rolls over and tells her, “Toads. Suck.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

As the four continue their search for human life (and Dante’s pants) they come across Lady draped in drapes, groaning.

“Ugghhh…”

“Rise and shine m’lady.” Dante teases, bending down to look at her pinched expression.

“Ugghhh…Just leave me to die.” Lady requests, burrowing deeper into the window accessories.

“Lady, you can’t die!” Patty begs. “You’re our tank! Without you, all we’ve got is a warrior, an assassin, a berserker and a mage! We need the defense!” Squealing, she adds, “Especially since we still can’t find our cleric!”

“Yeah!” Nero agrees. “Do you know where Kyrie is?!”

Cutting a dirty look at Dante, Lady tells him, “Maybe you should push your kids to healthier hobbies.”

Shrugging, Dante tells her, “Keeps ‘em off drugs.” Turning to the physically youngest two of the group, he asks, “You kids on drugs?”

“No.” Patty and Nero say in unison.

“See?” Dante turns back to Lady, arms crossed.

Groaning, Lady pulls a strange red drape with arm holes over her- Wait…

“Lady?” Dante glares. “Do you have my clothes?”

“Uhh, yeah.” The woman says, pulling Dante’s coat down to look up at him with a mismatched glance before her eyes widen. “Wait…Do you not remember last night?”

“I’m starting to think that’s not so bad.”

“Okay…” Lady breathes as she gets up and collects her thoughts, dusting herself off. “Let’s just say…you wanted to relive your former glory from the one job you ever succeeded at.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

_“Okay everybody!” Trish’s voice calls out. “Are you ready?”_

_“Yeah!” Kyrie and Lady cheer from the couch._

_“Then here he comes!”_

_Starting up the jukebox, the arrival of the main attraction is announced._

_As the girls cheer the footsteps coming down the stairs, Trish declares, “Here he is, for one night only, Mr. Red Hot, the Strawberry Sundae of Love Planet, get ready for the one and only legendary Dante’s Inferno!”_

_“Yeah baby!” Dante calls out as he sways down the stairs, thrusting and twisting. “This party’s getting SEXY! Let’s bang!” He declares as he hops off the staircase, thrusting his hips forward._

_As Kyrie and Lady squeal in delight, Dante begins ripping his clothes off as he starts his performance, both women clamoring for the discarded articles of clothing._

_…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………._

“…I think I remember that.” Dante eventually says after a silence.

“Dante!” Patty scolds, grabbing his ear. “You did a _striptease?!”_

“Ow!”

“IN FRONT OF _KYRIE?!”_ Nero screams, making everyone’s hangovers return with a vengeance.

“What’d we say about the yelling, kid?!” Dante complains as he grips his head.

“You stripped in front of my girlfriend!”

“Who is a modern woman allowed to enjoy a service of her own free will and can be trusted to behave accordingly in such a situation!”

“…Grrr!” Nero growls in defeat, muttering, “Stupid women’s studies degree!”

“Anyway,” Dante ignores, turning back to Lady, “I want my clothes back.”

“Like I’d keep them!” The woman agrees, handing him back his coat, chaps and boots. “Kyrie has the rest.”

“And where is-”

_Flush!_

Turning their heads to the bathroom entrance, they see Kyrie walk out with a set of clothes folded in her arms.

“Hello!” She greets, completely cheerful without a hint of hangover. “I hope everyone slept well!”

“…”

“Here are your clothes, Mr. Dante!” She says as she hands the bundle to Dante who takes the offering in shock. “Forgive me for using your washer and dryer, but I had a stain to wash out of my shirt last night and I took the opportunity to wash your clothing as well!”

“…No problemo.”

“Kyrie,” Lady cuts in, gaining the girl’s attention, “How are you not…miserable?”

“Hmm?” The girl hums in confusion. “Whatever do you mean?”

“I saw you drink last night,” Trish supports, “You were taking to the bottles like a fish to water.”

“Oh!” She dismisses with a little laugh. “It was only a little alcohol, I only got a bit tipsy!”

“…You went through three bottles of whiskey, twelve vodka shots and half a bottle of sake.”

“Yes! Nothing too heavy!”

As the group looks to her at shock, Nero sighs. Quickly turning their heads to him, the boy says his piece.

“I told you, the woman can drink.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fic, but while it was made with the intention of humor, alcohol abuse is a very serious problem that I in no way seek to glorify. Please drink responsibly and consciously of the people around you.


End file.
